Clothing
Spike's minimalist wardobe is another of his trademarks, equally essential for successful emulation. The stark, yet eyecatching red/black dichotomy resonates on both practical and spiritually symbolic levels: the 'bloody' shirt set off by the black ensemble. So now, student, you have your newly white-blond Spike Hair, and you think that's all there is to it? How wrong you are! For although Spike can bring off his 'killer' look even when clad in plaid golfing pants and a bright yellow 'Hanson' t-shirt, you, I'm afraid, cannot. So read on, and discover how to reproduce a Spikey wardrobe...
1.)
Coats. There are three acceptable ways for the student of Spikeology to successfully procure something similar to his classic long black leather duster:
Firstly, there is the simple expedient of selecting a target who already posesses such a coat and accosting them, demanding with threats of violence that they give it to you. However, with this method, care must be taken that the one you accost is not A.) Spike, himself, B.) another vampire, or C.) big enough to wallop you into a greasy smear on the sidewalk.
Method #2 has a considerably better safety risk. Simply consult a private detective and track down the abode of one 'Mr. Angel'. This particular vampire's wardrobe will be chock-full of leather clothing he never wears. Grab as much cow-hide as you can and make your escape. The drawback to this plan is that you are gambling on Angel still being a pacifistic, non-violent soul-boy who would never harm a human, even one who was misappropriating his pants. Judging by the insane ramblings of our afore mentioned researcher, 'Joss Whedon', this fact cannot be counted on. Also, this method is slightly more time consuming, given that you will have to pick out the pants seams and sew them into the likeness of a duster yourself. Hardly a Spikey activity.
The third, and perhaps easiest method is to simply rob a leather goods store and steal a $16,000 coat. You may have to run over it several times with a truck before it assumes that well-worn, murderous ambience that Spike's duster emanates. Drawbacks with this method: law enforcement agencies will be all to keen to confront you about the origin of your coat, and whilst a few random bullet holes will enhance your look, bleeding to death of a gunshot wound will not.
A quick outline of non-acceptable duster procurement methods: Anything that involves abiding by the letter of the law (i.e. saving up money and actually paying for a coat, joining a craft community and weaving one) is unacceptable. Raising cattle and later slaughtering and skinning them, though acceptably bloody, is still unacceptably law-abiding.
Now, with your duster slung menacingly over your shoulders, we move onto the next section of the course:
2.)
Shirt and Pants. Your Spike wardrobe should consist of exactly two types of shirt, with many duplicates of the same shirt allowed (Note that never changing ones clothes and becoming a fetid smelly vampire is
not a Spikey attitude. You must have many items that simply
look the same. Except for your leather duster, for which the 'there can only be one' rule applies. Just keep in mind what Spike stated in response to being trapped in one 'Alexander LaVelle Harris' basement: 'I've known fresher (smelling) corpses than this place; in fact, I've been one.') All clothes mentioned in this section can be procured using the more acceptably Spikey methods mentioned above under
Coats. Those methods invite violent reprisals, but do you think Spike would be above taking the risk? Hmmm?
For those who still have a law-abiding, un-Spikey streak, here are some alternative methods:
Firstly, the red shirt. This should be long-sleeved and made out of either silk, or (if you are a Spike purist) cotton. The red of the shirt must toe the line, being neither bright, cheery, Christmassy red that so many shirts are (especially around the Yule season) nor the rusty brown corduroy red that some other, ensouled vampires seem to prefer. If you purchase a shirt the former shade, you will look like an elf. The latter, you will look like Tim Allen. No, the perfect shade of red for your Spikey shirt is somewhere between these two, and is a difficult thing to pin down scientifically. Suffice to say, if it reminds you of paint drying, you have found your Spike shirt.
Secondly, a plain black t-shirt.
Must be Plain. No, 'Marilyn Manson' logos or little crocodiles on the pocket, please. The shirt should look as if it has survived both the UK and ill-fated US Sex Pistols tours, and was in fact used as a handkerchief by Johnny Rotten. If you can actually find a shirt that was spat on by Sid Vicious, your Spikeyness is assured. If you are unsuccessful in linking your black t-shirt to any 70's punk band, you can simply purchase a whole bunch from Sears, carpet your living room in them and then invite the local club to party there.
USEFUL TIP: When shopping for your t-shirts, try cunningly disguising yourself. A pair of Dockers and some boat shoes should help you blend in with the crowd. The pain that wearing this ensemble will cause you merely further proves your dedication to Spikehood. The
really brave will go and watch a Tom Hanks movie while they're in the mall.
C.R.A.C.K. research has shown that the mental anguish experienced by watching any film starring Mr. Hanks (especially 'Cast Away' or 'Sleepless in Seattle') is equivalent to being strung up by one's entrails and beaten like a piñata, thus increasing your aura of toughness and barely contained violence. However, the film 'Big' does not count due to the fact that the soundtrack is laced with hits by the most famous of Spike emulators, Billy Idol, and thus cancels itself out.
Combining the two: Now that you've gotten both shirts, combine them thus: The plain black t-shirt
underneath the red shirt. Note that the red shirt should be unbuttoned and untucked. Well, now, half way there. And so, onto the pants.
Black Jeans. Your Spikey jeans must be plain and black. No bells and whistles, no CK swirly stitches, or Levi's tags on the back pocket. In fact, your jeans must, to all intents and purposes, be brandless
1. You can achieve this with little difficulty by unpicking the trademark stitching and cutting off trademark tags. This 'craft corner' activity will diminish your Spikeyness, however. Now, in order to give the jeans that 'I've been around since the Boer War' look, you can again employ the tried and trusted method of running them over several times with a truck. If you time things right, you can kill two birds with one stone, and run over your duster and jeans at the same time!
So, your jeans are black, your jeans are plain, your jeans are... WHAT?! No, jeans that are twenty sizes too big and fall halfway past your buttocks are
NOT acceptably Spikey. In addition to being worn and black, your Spike jeans must also be snug. Not too snug however, and not too loose.
C.R.A.C.K. suggests studying eye witness accounts of Spike jeans in order to truly appreciate the 'happy medium' he emulates.
TIP: Try not to study his Spikeyness
too closely. While non-invasive research can providde valuable tips on how to improve you look, being too enthusiastic about it tends to get you disemboweled.
NOTES: Any Spike devotee caught wearing jeans which have little zips in the bottoms or stone-wash of any kind will be drawn and quartered. Actually, that applies to anyone.
Button or Zip fly? Boxers or Briefs? In response to this age old conundrom,
C.R.A.C.K. can now unequivocally reveal: Button
2, and nothing are preferred. Don't ask how we know, we just know.
3.)
Footwear. There is only one logical choice: yes, that British institution, Dr. Martens Boots. The classic black ten-ups are recommended. Steel toe caps are a desirable extra, for ease of use when kicking heads in. For methods of procurement, see
Coats above. And whatever you do, don't try to get them off an apparantly unarmed punk. Those mohawks are spray-painted and will pierce your vital organs in a headlong charge. A better target is a youth with no hair and a swastika armband. These imbeciles are complete cowards on their own, and you can remove his liver through his eye socket without feeling the least bit guilty. Plus, you get a pair of steel-toed jackboots into the bargain.
1 At the original time of this publication, yes, Spike's jeans were
very brandless. However, it has been discovered that since that time (2002-present, in fact), Spike actually wears Levi's black 501s (not stonewashed, but heavily dyed flat black) and he also on occasion wears
blue 501s. The giant belt tag has been spotted on several occasions, most notably (and extremely visible to prove our point) in BtVS Magazine. So, we here at
C.R.A.C.K. will not look down on those more observant than we are who take the initiative (no pun intended) to go this way in the Jean procurement field.
2 At the original time of this publication, yes, Spike's jeans were button. However, it has been discovered that he
also wears zip fly as well. It all depends on his mood. The remark about his underwear preference is still completely accurate. Again, don't ask us how we know, we just know.
, there's little that can be done save plastic surgery, and that is the antithesis of everything Spike. Simply adopt the 'cheekbone attitude' instead and act as if you had a pair that look like they could slice through solid steel. Disguising make-up is another option, but also decidedly anti-Spike. Besides, you'd end up looking more like Robert Smith or that guy from Bauhaus.
